I saw a quote on Instagram from a fellow grief blogger that said, “The Grief That Broke Me, Built Me,” and it really, really hit me in my soul. Recently I watched an episode of This Is Us where Randall asked Kevin if he ever wondered what his life would be like if their dad hadn’t died. Kevin answered no....which I honestly don’t believe. Randall said he does every single day.
It has been 14 years since my mom passed away. I miss her every single day, but I can’t say I wonder what my life would be like with her still alive just as much.
You see, I’d accepted that the death of my mom caused my life to go in a completely different direction long ago. It happened almost instantly. One direction change that always stands out to me is where I went to college. Before my mom passed away, I was set on going to Missouri State once known as Southwest Missouri State). My aunt went there and from the moment I set foot on campus for her graduation I told my mom that’s where I was going. Where did I actually go? The University of Missouri to pursue journalism because it was closer to home in case anyone else decided to die on me. That one choice changed the course of my life yet again.
Fast forward to now I’d be lying if I said I wish my life were any different. I once said I’d love it if my mom were here, in this exact life that I have. But I know that wouldn’t be true. I may not have gone to Mizzou, met Ben, had Dom or have P on the way. When I look into Dom’s blue eyes and kiss that perfect nose that he got from my mom, I’d be hard-pressed to want an alternative life. I am happy. I’d do all of the heartbreak all over again if I knew I’d get to this place. I can’t regret any decision or life event that resulted in Dom. Motherhood is a bit healing like that.
Losing my mom made me who I am today, and I have done an immense amount of work to love that person. She is strong. She is beautiful. She doesn’t take shit. She stands up for herself and what she believes in. She is gritty. She is scrappy. She can rise above anything. She is unbreakable because she’s been through the worst and she still stands. She is me and I love every piece of her. Even the dark parts. It’s hard to imagine a different me now. Life is made of many little shifts in direction and I’m not saying I don’t miss my mom. I do! I’d give anything for her to meet her grandbabies. But I think at some point in the grief journey you begin to appreciate the time you had with someone more than you grieve the time you lost with them. I couldn’t tell you when that shift happens because grief is not linear. And though I like the way my life turned out so far, that doesn’t mean one memory of my mom doesn’t sometimes bring me to my knees in tears.
I’m Rashida. A motherless mom on a mission to build a community that provides support to moms like me. Moms who are navigating both grief and motherhood.
www.themotherlessmomblog.com